Waiting to Being

 Waiting. I feel like so much of this journey has been waiting. Waiting for follow up appointments, waiting on tests, waiting on test results, waiting for more appointments, more test results, waiting on phone calls from doctors, waiting to start treatment, waiting for the side effects to kick in, waiting for my hair to fall out, waiting for the vomiting to start, waiting for the next round... are you tired of reading that word yet?Waiting. Not so patiently. I'd be lying if I said it didn't get the best of me some days. I compare it to the feeling you get when a roller coaster is about to reach its peak.. you know, right before the fall. Except you just stall right there at that moment. Frozen. Or being stuck in an elevator with a broken button and there's no way out. Anxiety creeps in and every second feels like an eternity. Sometimes I look at my medication and read the word "chemotherapy" and simply just can't believe this is something I am dealing with. The truth is, none of this is easy. So how do I pull myself out of that miserable thought process? Truth be told, some days it is really hard and I honestly can't. Those are the days I have to give myself grace. I will verbally say to myself, "give yourself some grace Marissa. Its okay not to be okay." Mostly though, I try to find things that bring me joy and fill my soul. Is that hard to do when you have a debilitating migraine and your body already doesn't feel like your own? Absolutely. However, I am not dead! and actually in a lot of ways I am thriving despite this diagnosis! I strongly believe that God works things out for the good of those who love him. It is undoubtedly certain that God has had his hand over my life since I was young. So I want to change my focus from waiting, to being. Being at peace in the midst of this chaos. Being in the moment. Being present for myself and recognizing what my body needs day to day. Being present with my children and soaking up their cuteness. Being loved. Picture a tree in a storm...The wind is whipping around the branches & leaves but the tree itself stands firm. Each day is a new opportunity to ground myself, breathing through this process instead of allowing myself to be swept away with stress or panic. It is a powerful feeling to have found my voice and to know that even though I am up against this giant mountain, I am present and aware and doing my best not to let anything disrupt my inner calm. 

 John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." 

Philippians 4:7 "The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus."